


Still With You

by sereneasthesea



Category: EXO (Band), 소녀시대 | Girls' Generation | SNSD
Genre: Depression, F/M, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide Notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-11
Updated: 2020-08-11
Packaged: 2021-03-06 03:01:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,013
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25836175
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sereneasthesea/pseuds/sereneasthesea
Summary: A fanfic that was inspired by Eric Benet's song: Still With You.
Relationships: Byun Baekhyun/Kim Taeyeon
Comments: 5
Kudos: 11





	Still With You

**Author's Note:**

> english is not my first language, so if any of you spot grammatical errors, oops, it was me.

_It had been seven months and twenty-one days since you passed away._

_Mundane things are so hard for me to do, recently. I can’t seem to wake up in the morning, and it’s harder to get out of the bed—the scent of yours are long gone. Sorry, I kept forgetting to feed Mongryeong and Zero, Mum basically did it for me._

_Mum did a lot of things, really. Like, washing the bedclothes when I begged her not to. Throwing out boxes of your clothes and said, “Those will go to goodwill. They’ll be useful to others.”—when I heard that, I changed our passcode. It’s 890309 now. When she rang our bell, I said no._

_Now, don’t start nagging me, you always know I’m not interested with mending things with her. When I told her to go home, she said that I’m pathetic. She told me—basically screamed at the intercom—to get over it. She called me once, two hours after her failed attempt to visit, and left a voicemail saying that I need to stop._

_Ah. Well, I can’t._

_It’s hard to make myself eat when I’m never hungry. But I feed the duo with no such problem, now. Mongryeong’s not jealous of Zero having the privilege to sleep next to me, anymore. He seems quieter now, and so is Zero._

Byun Baekhyun dropped his pen onto the desk he was writing on, his ink smeared hands are thrown to his face. He tried to wipe out his tears, but it was too much—the tears, the feelings—and he ended up tucking his feet in as his hands looped around, and buried his face in his knees.

God, did anyone hear the wailing?

He was short of breath, but he didn’t lift his face up to supply oxygens, instead he buried his head deeper. His knees were wet; his lips bleeding as he bit it to stop him from whimpering.

But why did he care, anyway? There was no one inside, there wasn’t anyone beside him, not anymore. He let out a strangled voice, a mix between laughing and bawling, only in between.

Something dropped at the bed beside him.

Baekhyun looked up slowly. “Taeyeon?” he whispered.

Who was he kidding—of course it wasn’t Taeyeon, his Taeyeon—she’s—

“Zero, come here please.” He looked at the bright eyes on his bed, staring back at him. His voice was unclear, ugly, and broken—but Zero recognised it anyway.

Zero came; he had lowered his feet so Zero could sit on his lap. Zero licked his tears instinctively, and shook his head vigorously.

“I’m sorry,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, Zero, I’m so fucking sorry…” he drifted off, as he petted the grey hair with trembling hands.

A decision was made.

\--

Kyungsoo was being kind enough to check up on him. He knew things weren’t good between Baekhyun and his mum, so, instead of her nagging high pitched voice, Baekhyun was accompanied with silence and a frequent call of his name.

“Baekhyun,” was the only thing Kyungsoo said as he stood on the door. Baekhyun wasn’t going to buzz anybody in, but it was him. It was Kyungsoo, his awkward, silent, but loving, best friend. As much as Baekhyun hated to admit, he loved everyone else dearly, but Kyungsoo was different. Kyungsoo was not… anybody else. So he opened the door.

Even before Baekhyun threw a casual “hi, what do you want?” Kyungsoo threw himself at Baekhyun, his exhaled breath almost felt like a fresh air and _relieve_. Baekhyun stood still for a moment, his brain was trying to process. Everything seemed to be a blur.

Kyungsoo was hugging him.

Baekhyun leaned closer, his breath hitched by the sudden longing of touch—nobody had even made a physical contact with him since the day she left without a promise to return, and Baekhyun started to tremble.

He bit his lips, hard. He didn’t want to cry out loud, for fuck’s sake, it’s _Kyungsoo_ , but when Kyungsoo caressed his nape and whispered his name again, he lost it.

He shuddered and gasped for air, and he realised that Kyungsoo’s coat was drenched as Kyungsoo brought him to the sofa without breaking the hug. Baekhyun leaned to the warmth at Kyungsoo’s neck and he wished for once, just this one time, _please_ let him be selfish. He didn’t even try to refrain himself from getting Kyungsoo dirty with his tears.

He did let a choked cry, because he tried to say _I know I shouldn’t be like this, I know I’m weak, but I need her, I want her back, I want to see her,_ please _let me see her_ , but he only managed to form a single word. “I—

And he thought it was impossible, but Kyungsoo pulled him even closer. “I know, Baekhyun. I know.”

Baekhyun nodded weakly. A weird feeling emerged, and he realised that the feeling was closer than the first time Kyungsoo hugged him, this was closer to what felt like relieve. Nobody understood him. Nobody had ever tried to.

His eyes felt dry, he was letting out some horrible noises from his throat, and he was trembling—but he had no tears left. He shuddered again, and his mind drifted far away.

If Baekhyun could wish for more, he would ask for Kim Taeyeon. But he couldn’t, heavens couldn’t grant it anyway if he could—Taeyeon wouldn’t want to come back to a world where she only got hurt by. So, he concluded, this was enough.

He fell asleep, for the first time, without the frown, without the nightmares.

\--

When he woke up, his head spun.

So he lied at the bed he was in, _their_ bed, and lied still. Kyungsoo was nowhere to be seen. Mongryeong and Zero were beside him, and he said in a weak, hoarse laugh: “That is her side of the bed, she loves you but she hates your furs, and you know that.”

“There’s soup in the kitchen, eat it later if you feel hungry.” Kyungsoo emerged from the sitting room. He walked to Baekhyun’s side. “Can you sit?” he asked softly.

 _See_ , Baekhyun thought in a detachment. _Kyungsoo was different._

“Baekhyun,” Kyungsoo touched his too long fringe gently, pushing them aside. “Can you sit?” he repeated, even gentler.

Baekhyun nodded in silence, and Kyungsoo lifted him up. His pillows were on his back so he could sit with ease, and Taeyeon’s pillows were untouched. He smiled gratefully at the man in front of him. “I hope you won’t ask me for a shag, because I don’t think I can do it.” Baekhyun joked, even though he meant the latter part.

Kyungsoo snorted. “You aren’t very attractive to a gay man,” he smiled fondly.

“Excuse me!”

Kyungsoo had laughed, and Baekhyun had laughed too, even just a tad. It was his first laugh without a sob accompanying it.

“Not because of your _height_ or your _personality_ or anything, but I found myself perfectly content with the giant man.” Kyungsoo replied, eyes glinting with mirth and fondness.

Baekhyun was grateful. He knew that Kyungsoo wasn’t the type to joke about his relationship, and Baekhyun might’ve teased him too much back then—when he actually met his friends, and not locking himself up in his flat—by clinging on Chanyeol. Kyungsoo was also not the type to… hug. Really. Kyungsoo would scrub your back in a public bath, Kyungsoo would read a children story book with the _voices_ for you, but he wasn’t the easily-physical type of person.

“Thank you,” Baekhyun’s voice echoed in the room, breaking the comfortable silence bubble they’ve created. He smiled, even though it hadn’t reached his eyes.

“How’s—” Kyungsoo stopped himself. _How’s your pottery skills now? How’s Zero? How’s your laundry doing without your Mum helping you?_

Baekhyun stared at the ceiling. Everything was not okay, he supposed. He stopped doing his routine, he stopped doing things impulsively, he stopped everything. He didn’t even go out, and he felt worse since Zero and Mongryeong had put up so much with him. He barely ate, he couldn’t sleep peacefully in the last three months with all the nightmares happening. “I’m fine,” he said, voice monotone. His eyes fluttered close, and he could imagine the disappointment in Kyungsoo’s face. He could imagine Kyungsoo’s voice saying: “I’m tired of you mourning like nobody’s understand you, grow the fuck up, forget her!”

But Kyungsoo didn’t do any of that. Instead, “Yes, you are.” And Baekhyun can hear the smile from his voice. His eyes went open, and indeed, Kyungsoo was smiling.

He was expecting an explosion. He was expecting something more—hurtful, he supposed—a voice yelling at him to leave all of this behind and to start a new chapter. He was close to expect that someone would eventually punch him because he was being such an annoying melancholic bastard.

Baekhyun frowned at the sight.

Why didn’t Kyungsoo contradict him? Baekhyun knew him well enough, it was safe to be sure that Kyungsoo wasn’t pitying on him. But he couldn’t work it out. Why was Kyungsoo smiling?

“Listen, Beethoven’s being narky, lately. I think the dumb dog needs friends,” Kyungsoo proceeded to tell him about Chanyeol’s dog as if nothing had happened before. Baekhyun was silent, and Kyungsoo kept going. “He tries to steal Chanyeol on a daily basis but it’s getting worse. Chanyeol said he was lonely, can you believe it?”

Baekhyun huffed a startled laugh, though a weak one.

“Will you take Zero and Mongryeong to accompany Toben?” he asked. He decided yesterday, that both of the dogs deserved better. And he hadn’t the energy and the will to provide it for them. He’d been meaning to ask one of his friends, but he didn’t know where to start—maybe _I’m sorry for being a prick, I know I haven’t answered any of your call and messages, but will you please take care of my dogs—_

“To have two other shitheads at home with Beethoven?” Kyungsoo asked. He’d never call Toben like normal people did. It was Chanyeol’s fault anyway. Why did he introduce the damn dog as Beethoven and asked everyone to call him Toben instead of his full name? And Kyungsoo was stubborn like that. “I’d love to. I’d beg if I have to, Baekhyun, Beethoven is driving me mad and Chanyeol doesn’t seem to love him any less.” He sighed dramatically.

Kyungsoo was trying to amuse him, and it did work. Baekhyun smiled more than the past seven months combined. He wished that Kyungsoo knew, because he would be very proud of himself. _Making a pathetic man smile four times a day wasn’t hard._

So, Baekhyun smiled some more.

\--

_Kim Taeyeon, the love of my life._

_My reason to accomplish things, my only reason to stay sane when I feel like the whole world is against me. My light of my life. My scream and tears of sorrow and joy._

_My Kim Taeyeon._

_I’m sorry, but I decided to give Zero and Mongryeong a better home last week. At least, for now. They will be in the hands of Park Chanyeol and Do Kyungsoo, and you know how good those two are with our babies._

Baekhyun stood in his sky grey hoodie, smelling the fresh air. He looked at the box and he took out a key. People were still giving flowers in front of her ashes, outside the glass box were roses, daisies, poppies, and chrysanthemums. Baekhyun looked at it with disgust as he picked the bouquet. This person, whoever they were, didn’t know what they were doing.

Taeyeon _hated_ chrysanthemums. He threw it at the nearest dust bin.

He had locked the box because clearly, some people weren’t bright enough to leave the right type of flowers— and, he didn’t want any of them to read his letters. His letters the only thing he could see inside the clear box. The sea of letters. He almost filled it full, and soon, he’d have to store the letters somewhere else.

_I will always blame myself._

_I’m sorry that I was oblivious with what you’re facing, I’m sorry that I wasn’t there with you on your darkest time._

_I’m sorry I was such a burden, that you need to comfort me every single damn time, that you forgot to take care of yourself. I’m sorry that I was taking too much of your time, I’m sorry that I wasn’t enough. I’m sorry I didn’t stand up for you, I’m sorry I put us in hell when I said I wanted to fight for our relationship._

_If I had known that you’d shatter yourself to pieces to mend me, I’d rather you to leave me._

_I’d rather see you happy without me, rather than this._

_Anything but this._

Baekhyun touched the urn, and he smiled. A smile that touched his eyes, as if to fool himself that he was happy.

_I keep replaying the tape you left me, though I always stop on the middle because I just can’t stand to hear you crying in the end._

_I’m done hiding from my fear, so let me ask you:_

_Was it painful, Taeyeon?_

_Were you scared, and hoped that I would be with you, to ease the pain? Were you hoping it could end quicker? Were you hoping you had more energy left to push the knife deeper so you can sleep peacefully?_

_Three hours is a long time to cry alone, Taeyeon._

_Why can’t you tell me instead?_

_I haven’t had the chance to do the same to you; to embrace you, to promise that everything’s going to be okay, that I will stay by your side no matter what happens. I haven’t had the chance to say good bye, and you know it’s not our rule to leave if one of us hasn’t reply yet._

_You did say you’ll stay by my side, Kim Taeyeon._

_Well I suppose you never leave. But I just can’t see you anymore._

_It’s painful to live without your scent lingering in the bed and the bathroom, without the striped cup you always left on the table, without hearing your voice, without seeing your smile, without wiping away the tears…_

_Without you._

_It’s hard for me to breathe now, Taeyeon._

_I failed you._

_I failed Kyungsoo, I failed Mum, I failed Zero and Mongryeong and everyone else._

Baekhyun felt the tears rolling on his cheeks, and he didn’t even care. No one was around to check on him, no one was around to see what was he doing. No one was around to hug him, or to yell at him, or to promise him a better future.

_When you said to me, a lifetime won’t be enough for us, did you mean that?_

_Because I want to see you. I want to touch you, I want to hug you, I want you. I want you to tell me how was your day, I want you to kick me and tell me precisely: “You lazy bug, it’s your time to cook or I’ll lock you inside to starve while I eat with Kyungsoo and Chanyeol.” Like what you always did._

_I want to be with you. I can’t do this any longer. I just want you._

_Let me be with you, Taeyeon. I have nothing left here, and it’s so goddamn empty without you—I just can’t stay._

Baekhyun hunched down, and he fisted the letter until his knuckle turned white. His other hand was bleeding from gripping the sharp end too hard.

He jerked away his tears with the blood-stained hand as he positioned himself to lean against the solid glass, and he smiled.

“Because one life time isn’t enough, Taeyeon,” He whispered in a tired tone, but full of affection.

“Wait for me. I’ll be with you soon.”

\--

_“Byun Baekhyun?”_

_Heaven knows what you've been through  
So much pain  
Even though you can't see me  
I'm not far away  
We always say if one of us  
Should've went away  
We'd light a candle and say a prayer  
Know that love still remains_

_Close your eyes go to sleep  
Know my love is all around  
Dream in peace when you wake  
You will know I'm still with you_

_Live your life from this day on  
And never gain  
I know you'll do the same for me  
That's the way that love is supposed to be_

_When you feel those lonely teardrops  
Rolling down your face  
Just know my love watches over you  
Always, Always_

_Close your eyes go to sleep  
Know my love is all around  
Dream in peace when you wake  
You will know I'm still with you_

_Close your eyes go to sleep  
Know my love is all around  
Dream in peace when you wake  
You will know I'm still with you_

_“Baekhyun, I know I’m technically c—cheating because I—decided to go first, but I didn’t forget our promise. But it’s not—our time in this lifetime.”_

_“I’ll just—wait for you. I’m not going a—anywhere, but live your life the fullest for me, will you?”_

_“Your bright career awaits. Mongryeong awaits—oh, and, please take care of Zero for me. You haven’t done much in your life, and in this lifetime only—I will give you freedom.”_

_“Date whoever you want. Wear pretty clothes. Adopt. There are so many fun things to do. J—just, don’t—forget… me.”_

_“I love you, so, so much. Let me go in peace, Baekhyun—this isn’t anyone’s—fault.”_

_“I’ll wait for you, I’ll meet you, I’ll pick you up—when your time’s up. When you’ve done enough. When you’ve lived the fullest, happiest life.”_

_“And by then, we’ll meet again.”_

_“You’re strong, I know you can handle this—y—you’ll miss me, I’m sure—but you can wait. It’s not that much of a time—If I can wait for you, why can’t you—right?”_

_“I love you, I’m with you, I’ll wait for you. Because this lifetime is not enough for both of us.”_


End file.
